What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
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Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”