me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”