– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
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My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
she has a point
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.