my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.