MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Happy Friday
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.