The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass