Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Word.
~ Microsoft.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead