When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!