my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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Peter Parker Peter Driver
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things