I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car