I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
You Might Also Like
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair