I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
🤣😂🤣
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
just got my engagement photos
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.