*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“and how does that make you feel?”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.