‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.