Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
i meant to share this earlier
Sometimes? I’m slipping
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.