If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.