Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Don’t snitch tag.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*