ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon