Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.