*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*