Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count