Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Nothing to do, you say?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
get you a girl who
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.