YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”