me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?