Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Is this a threat?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”