What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”