For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.