We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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Super Hand Dog Face
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I hope it’s French Onion!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies