when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Wake me when AI does housework
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
But that’s none of my business