[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no