Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say