[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.