my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
You Might Also Like
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home