[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.