*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.