If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.