-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Finally!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My Guy
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?