i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked