I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit