I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
i love meeting boys on tinder
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.