From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
You Might Also Like
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?