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Passed by a old school Math example today.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream