Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“HELP WITH CAT”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..