The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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all bases covered
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Haha good job!!
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..