When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.