Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
another case of gang violins
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around