SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.