angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
$3 #books
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
me irl
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
This is sending me to another galaxy
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce