dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Employees must applaud the planets.
That de-escalated quickly
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.