I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
New tinder profile pic
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
who will stop them
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”